Adapting to Life

Adapting to Live: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 3)

2006-11-04T17:34:00.000+08:00

Which is the better looking car... Proton or Lexus?

Darling Harbour at night.

Adapting to Live: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 2)

2006-11-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

Subaru - Sydney Internationl Motor Show

Citigroup Tower in the center (With the blue lights) - That's the client office.

First attempt at cooking in the apartment.

Adapting to Live: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 1)

2006-11-04T17:19:00.000+08:00

Darling Harbour
Sydney International Motor Show

View from my apartment

Adapting to Live: I want a digital camera!

2006-09-05T13:07:00.000+08:00

Went Camerons over the weekend with May and took some pics with her crappy camera... OK, maybe the cameraman was crappy, but it's my blog, so I can jump to whatever conclusions I want... ;) And I what I want is a DSLR to make my photos look good. And hey, with my Parkison's hands, I need all the help I can!

Adapting to Life: The Good Die Young

2006-08-01T10:19:00.000+08:00

Read an article in the Star about a chartered bus that crashed and killed several people on the way to the Feast of St. Anne celebrated in Penang.

The Feast of St. Anne holds a special place in my Family....

1. My maternal grandmother converted to Christianity after visiting the Feast of St. Anne
2. My Aunt named my cousin Anne in honour of the Feast of St. Anne.

Anyway, this shows sometimes how unfair life is and how fragile it is. Maybe the old saying, the good die young is true... and if that is the case, I will live a long and miserable life ;)

I know that there is nothing I can do for them, I know that there is suffering throughout the world, and I guess all I can do is lead my life to the fullest and be good to the people around me.

God bless all of you.

Adapting to Life: Working on a Sunday

2006-07-30T21:33:00.000+08:00

Dropped by the office today to finish setting up a new server. The interesting thing was that in the log book, I was "sucker" number 170....

Can't wait for October when my current project finishes... Plan to take 1 or 2 weeks off... Maybe go to US for my school.

Adapting to Laughter: Calvin & Hobbes

2006-07-11T17:09:00.000+08:00

Read a website with the top 25 C&H cartoon strips of all time:

My personal favourite from it:

OK, so call me a sentimental fool. Another comic strip that's good but not syndicated in Malaysia is Liberty Meadows.

Adapting to Life: Consistency

2006-06-06T17:02:00.000+08:00

Had a Go-Kart event on Saturday courtesy of my project. Had a realisation, what is more important is consistency. I had the fastest lap time of 1:10 seconds, but still lost the race. The reason being, my time was 1:118, 1:24, 1:10... etc....

My boss, who won had a time of 1:12, 1:12, 1:12, 1:12...etc....

So it's more about consistency rather than a being a top performer...

Adapting to Love: Listening to....

2006-05-25T11:52:00.000+08:00

Work been killing me, wanted to blog more but just never had the time.... This song reflects the mood I am currently in....

=============================
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Adapting to Life: Company Annual Dinner

2006-03-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

No bitching, so serious posting... Just some pictures from my company's annual dinner. It was movie night, so everyone had to come in costume. Pictures consists of friends, a drinking coach and my project team members.

Good night of drinks (My alcohol tolerance level seems to have increased), friends who are colleagues, and hot fantasy costumes...

Adapting to Love: Bittersweet memories

2006-03-16T18:27:00.000+08:00

Work has been taking a toll on me. The fact that I am doing PMO (Project Management Office) and have a new analyst under me, while doing additional stuff for my department (for lack of a better word) and helping out other departments is not fun... Well, it is fun but sometimes it just gets a bit too much... (Listening to Written In The Stars now does not help my disposition).

A large part of my frustration is due to you. I worry about you. All that you have been through, not only ever since you left, but your entire life, for whatever the cause or reasons. Life has been good to you in so many ways, and in others so cruel. This is the paradox of your life, this is your life. All you need to do is focus on the good parts, and work the bad parts out of your life.

When we last spoke, I did not mean to hurt you. I wanted you to realise the truth and accept it. You wanted a more dominating partner, and though I am not that person and will never be, I was happy that you knew what you wanted in a life partner. I was proud of you that you told me the truth, not "I don't know". I always had the faith and still have in you that you can achieve whatever you want, as long as you know what you want. And yet, you accused me of purposely trying to hurt you even more. As a person, as a matter of principle, as a friend, I cannot accept that.

Because of all this, I do not know what has happened to you. I have not seen you online for a while and I have no idea how you are doing. All I can do is to continue to have faith in you, that you will achieve whatever you put your mind to and against all odds, continue to flourish when it comes to friends and love.

You are never alone, you will be in my prayer always and I hope that you will find the truth about yourself and that life is good. You have taught me much when it comes to love and for that I will always remember you fondly.

God bless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny how sometimes when you write without thinking, your fingers dancing away at the keyboard your true inner thoughts come out. When I first started this post, I had something else to write about. The above posting is a culmination of what someone special told me. About bitter sweet moments...

So many things remind me of you. A forgotten folder in my laptop with pictures of you, the talking reindeer whose has not talked in a while, my 10 years driving license, pictures of you stuck between your bookcase in my house.... the list goes on and on.

What made me think of you even more was last night. I was sharing photos of us in my laptop and she told me this is what it means by bittersweet... The sweet memories of the past and the bitterness of it all ending. There were so many photos, so many events, some that I was not even there, though I felt like part of the event, like your mom's birthday in Kuching. I remember who everyone were, I knew what story each picture told...

Thank you for all the sweet memories, and it was worth all the pain and bitterness that the both of us went through. If I did not meet you at Starbucks that fateful day, I would have led an ordinary life, and for that alone, I know that my life has been richer and I thank God for bringing us together, no matter for how short a period.

Be good.

Adapting to Love: Listening to...

2006-02-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

Some songs seem specifically written for you, it feels that the singer had your life in his mind when he wrote it. Music is truly food for the soul.

Been listening to this song over and over again as per Dr. Jay's advise... Nuff said.

Here By Me
===========
I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
'Cause I'm not doing so good without you
The things I thought you'd never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
So how could I have been so blind for all these years
I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you

And everything I have in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me
Just as long as I have you right here by me

I can’t take another day without you
'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own
I've been waiting so long just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong
I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
All that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me
Just as long as I have you right here by me

As the days roll on I see
Time is standing still for me
When you’re not here
I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

x2
And everything I have in this world
And all that i'll ever be
It could all fall down around me
Just as long as I have you right here by me

-3 doors down.

P/S - Still waiting for Dr. Jay's ultimate depressing song CD.

Adapting to Love: Valentine Day: Part Deux

2006-02-14T20:05:00.000+08:00

Obviously today has been a really bad day for me. Never had a proper Valentine and seems to be filled with memorable incidents. There was once this girl who I was attracted to, took her out for Valentine day (After saying that she doesn't believe in it, then changed her mind) and got herself a boyfriend a week later.

Last year, my Wildfire Princess then was back in her hometown for Chinese New Year. Had a great time after that though as I suprised her by getting red bedsheets and pillow cases for her bedroom and wrote the poem for her.

This year as highlighted in part I, was a bad Valentine again. My friends at work realised how down I was and got together and sent me a card (Pictured above). I have not cried yet but almost did when I read the card... I was sincerely touched by their kindness and thoughts. A new colleague who I just met also signed the card. Guess the feeling was like an Etiophian kid seeing his first Pizza Hut. It meant a lot to me and was really touched.

Although I have to say, they must have really felt bad for me to lie so blatantly on the card... "I'm Too Sexy For This Badge"... Something which they will never admit to be true even under the threat of death... So I must have looked pretty bad to warrant such lies. (Insert your favourite George Bush joke here).

To all my friends, thank you all for the cards, the brutally honest comments and also remedies that worked in the past.

Adapting to Live: Climbing Bukit Tabur

2006-02-14T13:45:00.000+08:00

Climbed Bukit Tabur in Taman Melawati recently. Was a pretty good hike that lasted for 3 1/2 hours.

Bukit Tabur is near the Klang Gate resevoir and has the largest quartz ridge in the world!

Not too bad a touris attraction in my housing area backyard.

Picture shown were taken from andylim.com/gallery/BukitTabur

Am planning another hike sometime in March. Those interested please let me know.

Adapting to Love: Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T08:09:00.000+08:00

Another memorable date for me to remember. This date needs no mention as everyone knows when it is, the day where commericalism rules for those in relationship and the day where hopefuls can express their feelings without fear of rejection.

She called me about 2 am. Was asleep so not really aware. However, what was clear was the distance and lack of warmth or happiness in her voice. "Happy Valentine's Day", I wished her. "Same to you", she replied sounding distance. To cut a long story short, I asked her what's wrong and she said this might not be the best day to tell me, but I forced it out of here anyway. She said that she was growing distant from me. I asked if she is sure as I cannot take the off/on, cold/hot thing anymore, and she said yes. I told her if she knew that it was a matter of time before I found my way to Dubai, she said yes.

So I guess that was all left to said. I wished her a good life and said goodbye. Am I sad? Obviously. Am I devastated? Definitely. Am I heartbroken? Undoubtably.

But I have learnt to take a more philopshical approach to life. I do love her and given the same choices of letting her to go Dubai and losing her, I would do it all over again, because that is what she wanted. She could have developed her career here, but she did not see it that way, so it was her choice and all I could do is support her.

I have done all I could to make her understand that I love her, but that is not enough. It is fine with me as this is me, and this is all I can do. I do not hate her, but I am dissapointed that her faith and love for me was not strong enough to survive the temporary seperation. Not dissapointed in her, but perhaps at myself. My love for her never waivered and I never doubted my feelings for her, because she is someone special and worth all that I have done and I have no regrets. Unfortunately she did not feel the same about me.

Of course she being her stubborn self did not want to explain her actions or tell me what she really wanted by saying "I don't know". Well, unfortunately, she did not want me to help find out her answers together and that is a journey that she has to take alone or with someone else there.

To my Wildfire Princess, beneath all your imperfections, all your fears, all your doubts lies a perfect heart. But from today onwards, you will have to discover your true self without me, because you are no longer my Wildfire Princess anymore, and it was your decision to make it so.

This is not a bitter posting but something that needs to be done for my ownself. You made me happy but that is no longer an option for me.

Happy Valentine Day.

Adapting to Life: Chinese New Year Greetings

2006-01-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

Year of the Fire Dog is upon us... Kicking off the New Year for Chinese all around the world. Although as Chinese we are extremely traditional people - From wearing the colour red to mandarin oranges and not sweeping the floor - there are signs that technology is catching up. TMNet has a very cute CNY ad, where instead of burning firecrackers to scare off the demon (The small kid had the firecrackers, but no matches), the hero downloaded the sound (presumably via Streamyx) to his phone (Why not 3G i wonder? Too much a favour to Maxis?) and destroyed the demon. The tagline "Technology Advancing Tradition"....

Another clear sign of technology is the amount of SMS greetings that I have received... Here are some of the more interesting ones...

Gong Xi Fatt Chai.. May this new year bring u a bright new n better health, wealth, career advancement and many more. dragon horse spirit (Did I lose something in translation here?) . May we all hope 4 de best!
Ayam pegi, anjing mali, 'sueh' pergi, 'ONG mali', Untong Untong Hali-hali, jason wishing u n family HAPPY Lunar new year.
Feng Shui master advises doggy style sex on CNY eve. Achieve pleasure, prosperity and health. Gong Xi Fa Chai. ;-).
I know that it's a bit early for CNY sms, but I have to send to hundred of ugly friends. So I thought I'll start with the sexy and good looking ones first. Happy Chinese New Year! Obviously Charmaine is trying to get a free breakfast from me, or either that she simply whack the same message to everyone on her list.
Ayam pegi, anjing mali, 'Sueh pegi', 'Ong mali', untong untong hali hali, gembira mesti mali, kena 4 ekor tiap tiap kali. Gong Xi Fa Cai & Best Wishes 2 u and your family.
Lillian Too Feng Shui Master advises, 2 perform doggy style on New Year Eve of CNY to bring propesrity, health & happiness 4 year of the dog.

So the main theme for this year is obviously the dog, but also focus on yearly theme such as propesrity and health.

Gong Xi Fa Cai to all & May the Year of the Fire Dog be bitching EXCELLENT for everyone!

Adapting to Love: Parting is such sweet sorrow

2006-01-16T22:29:00.000+08:00

It seems that my love life revolves around certain key dates... September 11, October 14 and now December 14.

December 14, the day I bid farewell to my Wildfire Princess. However the circumstances of this farewell is so different from September 11. She was leaving to Dubai as she managed to secure a job with Emirates Airlines as a cabin crew, and with that parting, I realise now what the bard meant by parting is such sweet sorrow.

She is leaving to Dubai for the righ reasons, she is young, ambitious and have goals in life that the job would help her fulfil... That is the sweet part, knowing that it was the right decision for her as an individual. Throughout her interview, I was always there for her (At least I hope I was, encouraging her to go for it and preparing her for it). It was an undenialable that I was extremely proud of her when she got the offer, and it was a hectic time for her to prepare to uproot and leave.

Nothing prepared me for the sorrow of her leaving though. It has been a month since I held her in my arms, it has been a month since our fingers interwined like lovers could, it has been a month since I felt her heartbeat beneath her skin...

It took a long time for me to compose this, and my thoughts are still jumbled. I guess the point of this posting is to say that it was the right decision for her to accept the job, and I will do all I can to prevent us from sharing the same faith as the Bard's most famous and tragic couple.

Hopefully my thoughts will be more coherent in my next posting.

Adapting to Humour : When should we tailgate?

2005-11-21T18:05:00.000+08:00

I am sure we all seen the advertistments on the television and newspaper print, and even heard it on the radio... Why we should not tailgate ... (In the TV ad, an Evo and a Wira was invovled, and somehow only the Wira got smashed up, a sign of no budget?)

To be honest, I tailgate cars all the time... And I believe that sometimes there are situations where tail-gating the car in front of you is acceptable, sometimes even encouraged...

I tail-gate when ...

The car in front is driving slower on the right lane than the cars in the middle lane.
The car in in front ignored my high beams.

Why this is justified...

The driver in front is just being plain selfish and endagering others by not getting out of the way and encouraging drivers to overtake him on the left.
The driver in front is just being plain lazy by not respecting other road drivers. If enough people tailgate him / her, maybe he / she will know how to drive in the correct lane in the future.

So if you really think about it, by tailgating the cars in front for the above reasons, we are actually saving lifes, not only the driver in front, but for all future drivers.

Happy tailgating folks!!!!

Adapting to Work: The right company

2005-10-30T09:20:00.000+08:00

Read an article somewhere that on average, Asians work 53 hours a week... If we were to take into account a 5 days working week, that would translate to about 10.3 hours a day or 45% of our time is spent at work or in the office. An average work day for me begins at 9 am and I leave about 8 pm... So finally, I am above average! However, in my current company, where we Deliver High Performance, I am considered a wimp compared to the 16 hours superman and wonderwoman in my company.

So the question is why are there so many people unhappy with their jobs? The average attrition rate is Malaysia is 20%, which means 1 out of every 5 employees would leave for another job after 1 year. Though the number 1 reason is to "explore other career opportunities", which means "I am leaving to join your competitor, doing the same thing but getting paid much more money", some people just leave because they can't stand the idea of their current company.

Me, this is my 5th company in 5 years. It is not that a record and I have a valid reason for each company, honest...

1. Aranium.com
- Was there for about 6 months before it went bust together with the rest of the dot com bubble.

2. Solution 6 (Now known as MYOB)
- Was there for about 18 months. Great job, got to travel a lot, but was not satisfying from a work
perspective.

3. eBworx
- Was there for about 16 months. China man company, but great people. Left because didn't want to do
programming anymore.

4. Tokuii
- No, it was not a Japanese restaurant. Did presales. Met a lot of great people, 1 who I actually
recommended to join eBworx, and he is happy there. Left, because of errr... management issue.

5. Accenture
-Finally, a glamorous company...International and worldwide. I feel like I have arrived home.

Point is, I get a lot of flack from the older generation (1 company forever mentality) for changing so many jobs. Yes, it looks bad on my resume, but if I am not happy at the company, I will not do a good job. I rather keep finding new jobs and risk being jobless for 4 months (best time of my life) then work for the sake of working. It is when I enjoy what I am doing that I excel at it. So what if my career plans are delayed for a couple of years, each company gave me a perspective and taught me so much that I would not have been able to learn in a homogenous environment.

True, each company will tell you that their way is the best, they are the best, but then again, if that was true, the attrition rate would not be so high will it?

Adapting to Life : New look

2005-10-25T00:49:00.000+08:00

This is my new look... And no, it was not intentional, but rather a mis-communication...

Lessons learnt :

1. Not everyone looks good without hair
2. I am balding (Receding hairline)
3. Never say ok without my spectacles on
4. My friends are easily amused.
4. Do not trust salons that friends (especially from Melawati) recommends

Oh well, in the grander scheme of life, it will grow back.

Adapting to Love : Dancing in an empty room

2005-10-23T01:45:00.000+08:00

I spent Friday night cleaning her new place. It was totally empty and dirty. We washed the toilet, mopped the floor and planned what needed to be done next. The only thing remotely entertaining was Leanne Rimes "Fallen Angel" playing in the background.

After a couple of hours cleaning, there we were, in an empty apartment, albeit a cleaner one... Leanne Rimes was singing "Written in the Stars" and she and I were in the empty living hall. And that is when I held her and started dancing...

It was just her and me alone, she in my arms and not thinking a single thought. I felt at peace, and I felt loved, and most importantly I felt happy. It took away my tiredness, the pain, the hurt, the fear, the worries, everything... It was just her and me. Our problems and reality does not stop because of that one dance, but it reminds me of what I am fighting for.

Thank you for that dance, my wildfire princess.

P/S - I know that this is a very soppy post, so as an ironic note, Written in the stars is actually about unrequited love... Talk about irony...

Adapting to Love: Family & Love

2005-10-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

Family is a funny thing. That is your one constant in your life that you had no choice. True, people do give up on family for a variety of reasons, but they will never leave you. Your family leaves an indelible mark on you, they are part of you whether you realise it or not. Like the author of Sick to the Bone. She cannot lead the life she wants because she does not want to dissapoint her family, to hurt them, to be someone that they do not want her to be. Or another who does not believe in true love, because her family was dysfunctional, or another who felt inadequate because her family called her stupid, or another who flourished because her family was always there for her, supporting every her all the way.

It is easy to say that I am an adult. I make my own choices, I lead my own life, I know what is best for me, but do I really? Are my decisions influenced by my family. What do they mean to me, and how far does their influence extend to my decision making? How much am I willing to do for my family? How much am I willing to sacrifice for my family? How much of me as an individual is shaped by my family?

I realise that I am shaped by my family more than I thought possible. Even by expressing myself via blogging is part of how I was brought up. My family was never an expressive family. Neither am I. To tell you how I am a product of my family would take too long, so I would just express what to me are the most valuable lessons they taught me.

For my dad, I thank you for teaching me to be my own man. For teaching me about fate and karma. For teaching me the values of being patient, especially when faced with difficult times. Most of all, thank you for teaching me the ability to be truthful to oneself, regardless of what others might think. My dad is one person that truly do not give a damn about what others think of him. If I can be half the man that he is, I consider myself a real man.

For my mom, she tauight me how to love. She gave me the confidence to achieve whatever I set my heart to. She showed me what unconditional love is. Though sometimes she is blinded by her love for me, the sacrifice and support that she gave me is truly amazing. Sometimes she is wrong in expressing her love for me (I learnt from my dad that wrong is wrong), I cannot fault her for her intentions. She showed me how patient love can be, and how much work it takes.

And for the person that I am in love now, I thank you for showing to me what my family is to me. How I am a product of my family. You have made me a better person by making me face my family. I know that it has been tough for you that my mom disapprove of you, and I am sorry that you have to go through it all. I hope that you understand the person that you fell in love is shaped by his family.

You too are shaped by your own family. I hope that you realise how lucky you are to have such an open relationship with your sisters and mother. I am learning from you how to be more open with my own family, and I hope that you can learn to be more patient with my own family.

I did not give you up because of my mom. I believe that she has been unfair to you and that is why I will continue to fight for her acceptance, even if we were not together, because that is what my dad would have done. It is not mere words, as my dad comforted you before when you were sad.

I would love you and sacrifice a lot to be with you, because my mom taught me what it is to love someone and the sacrifices someone is willing to go through.

To my mom and my dad, I know that I do not express myself well. Again, that was the way I was brought up. If it wasn't for her, I would not have had the courage / reason to write all this down. I know that by most normal standards, I have been a bad son. But then again, what is normal? My Australian friends think that it is weird that I am still living with my parents at the age of 26. You think that if I were to move out, it would make me a bad son. I just hope that you do not think that I have been a bad son, and if you do, I am sorry that I have dissapointed you.

At the end of the day, I am a product of your upbringing, mixed with my own expriences and thoughts. I hope that you know that you did a great job raising me and I hope that you trust me.

Also, I hope that you know that I will do anything necessary to take care of you, even at the expense of my own happiness, if it was for the right reasons. Also, I know that I do not express it in words, but I do love the both of you and I hope that the both of you will always know that.

To my only family, I love you.

Adapting to Love: Second chances & Friends

2005-10-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

I know that I have not been blogging a lot.. And to my faithful readers, all 1 of you, I apologize.

October 14 2005 was a bad / good day. It started off with my boss telling me my confirmed flight to Sydney on Monday for work has been cancelled. Together with that, my plans to go Brisbane for a holiday. There goes AUD 150...

Then she called... Telling me not to screw up at work... We talked for a bit and I still came to the same conclusion. I cannot be friends with her. She was upset, and I asked should we meet up... She said she was going away for the weekend...

Then she called, saying that she wanted to meet up with me... I went to see her and we started talking. It took a lot of guts for her to tell me what she has been going through and how she truly felt about me. She realised that she made a mistake, and that she truly was in love with me.

So we are working things out now, and we are taking things slowly. For my friends and families who was there for me, please don't stop caring or advising me. I may be making a mistake, but I know that if I do not give us a second chance, then I would definitely have made a mistake.

The depth of compassion and patience that was shown to me by all of you truly shows that I must have done something right in my past life to be so lucky. It is a debt that owe all of you, and I hope when the time is there, I am able to pay my debts to all of you.

To my friends, both old and new, a BIG THANK YOU... Though these are mere words, please know that I truly do mean it from the bottom of my heart....

In no particular order... Eileen, Shiao Fong, Vay Fern, Lawerence, Diana, Ai Rin, Chong, Hardeep, Jong Chiueh, Isabel, Say Young, Savita, Deepa, Carolyn, Li Tinn, Mamm, Keen Soon, Alicia, Spa King, Meling Mudin, Sheila Philip, "Nigger Tan", Ruben, Alex, Chai Ling, Leonard, Jackie, Kheng Teong, Jes Min, Ensun, Khairul, Kevin Krishna, Charmaine, Anusha, Gary Teh, Sashi, Geraldine, Vae Thien, Michelle, Mon Yee, Fong Ming and the rest of you...

Thank you for your honest opinions, for the tarot card readings, for the pity dates, for listening to me whine, for the overseas phone calls, for accompanying me, for the cigars, for sharing your expriences, for understanding and most importantly, for caring. I know that when times are good, we are seldom there for each other, due to a variety of reasons - work, family, dating, etc - but when times are bad, all of you were there for me...

I owe each and every single one of you.

Thank you again and God bless all of you.

Adapting to Work : Sockless in KLCC

2005-10-10T08:47:00.000+08:00

OK, Monday is occasionally bad. However, after Sept 11, I always look forward to Monday... Work being a wonderful distraction and all that.

Today, Monday has reared it's ugly head again.

First, didn't really sleep well. Got a SMS from her at 2 am. Then got up at 4 am to give someone a wake up call. Then couldn't really sleep.

As what I normally do is grab a pair of socks, drive to work barefooted and then wear my socks in the car when I arrive.

When I arrive at work and took my pair of socks, then only I realised the truth... My pair of socks turned out to be a single side only.

So am sockless at work.. Thankfully working in KLCC means I can always go down and pick up a pair of socks.

You gott love Monday morning...

Adapting to Love : Sick to the Bone

2005-10-09T19:54:00.000+08:00

I am posting this on behalf of a friend. She is someone very special to me and is now on her own journey to discover herself. She wrote this poem as a reflection of her soul. True, sometimes we think too hard, but our ultimate goal is the same, to be truly happy.

Sick to the bone

I'm surrounded by these people,
like green leaves surrounding an apple,
faces i think i know,
do i still know?

but what is this i'm feeling,
this voice that kept calling,
i'm not sure if i'm not alone,
think i'm just sick to the bone.

there, there goes the voice again,
it sounds so much in pain,
jump off the balcony, it said,
don't worry ur funeral's paid.

shoo!! get out of my life,voice,
this is my life, my fucking choice,
i choose to live everyday,
as a marionette that's not gay,
i'm not sure if i'm not alone,
but i'm sure i'm sick to the bone.

Adapting to Love: Self Love

2005-10-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

As provocative as the title may suggest, it is merely my second poem to my wildfire princess. She told me two things that affected me more than I would ever wanted to admit.

She gave us up because she thought she couldn't have me, although I have given her everything. She has stop thinking about us and is seeing someone new. It hurts although it shouldn't and it was because I had hope.

I know now that there is no road to go back to. I realised that I cannot be your friend, because you are happy now. I could have been your friend if you were suffering, but now it is only me who is suffering.

It all started with a poem, so I believe it's only poetic justice to end it with a poem...

My Secret Hope

I have a little secret that no one knows,
Buried deep beneath my soul.
Anger, regret, disappointment and tears,
Things that you see, it is all a show.

I have a little secret that I didn’t know,
Buried deep beneath my thinking mind.
Why can’t I share this little secret of mine,
Scared to be called weak, afraid of what I will find.

Now I have to tell a little secret to myself,
For me to accept and for me to let go,
I think of you, I miss you, I love you, I want you back,
And most of all I hope that you feel it to.

Unfulfilled promises, a forgotten future,
They haunt me day and night,
Like a gentle breeze embracing me,
Always there, but never in sight.

Do you think about me when you’re alone?
Because I do, even when I am not.
Does it hurt you when I have someone new?
Because it hurts me when I heard the news.
Why him and not me, questions I ask,
What did I do wrong, what did I say,
Could I make it up to you, every night and day?

To you, my heart, my mind,
my everything I freely gave
And yet you left,
saying that I was not yours to have
that you could never be in love with me.

Now that I have shared my little secret,
I hope that you understand,
Why you can’t be a friend to me,
I need to heal, I need to believe,
that I am worthy to be loved.

You and I have to go own our ways
Your decision to make, my price to pay
I hope that you are happy and never be alone,
But when you are, I pray you be brave and ask for me,
I promise you then I will be a friend to you,
Till your tears dry and you give me a smile.

Now that I have shared my little secret,
Do not hate me or forget me,
Now that I have shared my little secret,
I can let go and let things be,
Now that I have shared my little secret,
It is no more a secret and I can be set free.

Adapting to Life : Learning to Pamper Myself

2005-10-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

It has been such a long time since I have pampered myself. True, I have always been happier pampering other people. Looking at myself now, I could do a quick inventory:

Office shirt circa 2005 - A suprise present .
Pants circa 2003 - Bought by my friend when she was working in HK
Shoes - circa 2003 - Birthday present
Watch - circa 2001 - Bought it from HK while in work
Laptop - circa 2005 - Office provided
Handphone - circa 2004 - Bought by my friend
Glasses NEW - Company sponsored. The previous pair was circa 2000.

Of course, the list of things that I have bought for others would be just as long as the things I have received. So have finally come up with a wish list of things I promise I would buy myself or do...

Drive my friends to Terengganu
Drive my friends to Penang
Go to Singapore for the country's first sex exhibition
Go for a holiday with someone alone
Go to Nepal as a volunteer for at least a month.
Buy a digital SLR.`
Repair my poor and battered Waja (Which last week my door handle decides to break)

Not a bad list to start off with.. Of course, if anyone wants to buy me the stuff listed above, I would accept it with open arms... haha... and I promise to lavish you with presents as well....

Adapting to Love : Procastinating

2005-10-04T13:42:00.000+08:00

I have been meaning to write what I feel now, and yet it still eludes me, jumbled up thoughts and emotions where I cannot find the beginning or the end.

So yes, I am procastinating and decided to post something from the past: A song that meant something special to someone special that I know.

Girl, You Will Be a Woman Soon - Neil Diamond

Love you so much can't count all the ways
I'd die for you girl and all they can say is
"He's not your kind"

They never get tired of puttin' me down and
I never know when I come around
What I'm gonna find
Don't let them make up your mind
Don't you know

Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Soon, you'll need a man

I've been misunderstood for all of my life
But what they're sayin', girl, just cuts like a knife
"The boy's no good"

Well, I finally found what I've been lookin' for
But if they get a chance they'll end it for sure
Sure they would
Baby I've done all I could
it's up to you

Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Soon, you'll need a man

Adapting to Humour - Steven's Corner

2005-10-03T19:58:00.000+08:00

After so many serious postings, I have decided write some happy happy thoughts. My flavour of humour since September 11 reflected my mood... Bitter, self insulting and angry to the point that it seems frivolous to call it humour.

11 PM, Sunday, Oct 2nd 05 - I was at Steven's Corner with this hottie. Those who are regulars at Stevens Corner in OUG will know the "Maitre d" that I am talking about. He's a mamak with balding hair and can speak Chinese better than me... He walks slowly over and like a true professional, waits until he's spoken to before he speaks.

So we ordered 1 Maggie Mee, 1 Indo Mee mata kerbau, 1 teh-o-ais limau, 1 teh-o-ais. He starts stroking his chin, as it he was contemplating our order or thinking about the US defict... The chin stroking went on for a couple of seconds (Shahrukh Khan wannabe?).. Then, speaking ever so slowly, he gave us his recommendation... Tandoori, ayam goreng, etc etc... We waved him off... And like a true professional, he walks of with such grace.

We came to same conclusion, he must be smoking some pretty good stuff... Wonder if I could get some... (That's my personal thought, she is too innocent for funky stuff).

Had a great conversation with her, and it was time to go. Unfortunately, or fortunately because he's so amusing he came over to collect payment. He saw what was printed on my t-shirt, "No photographs please", something I got in Malacca on Merdeka Day.

Stoned Mamak Dude: No photographs please?
Me trying to be funny: What to do, too good looking already.
Stoned Mamak Dude: True, after people see, want to make love with you.

The silence was so acute that it could have cut through diamond. Thankfully he walked off and that's when the laughter began....

It was a good night and I hope for many more similar nights.

*Next Post: Why I am still not happy happy: Letting Go*

Adapting to Love - Bali bombing

2005-10-02T16:09:00.000+08:00

Another date to remember for humanity : 1st October 2005.

Bali was bombed again. Read about it here: Google News

What does it mean to me? Personally I feel a great sadness that it seems hope is slowly draining out of humanity. I feel sad that humanity have seem to forget how good life is. Or maybe they do remember the "good old days", where life was so much simpler, where global economics and social ills had no impact on the Muslim world and they are willing to die for a hope of a better future.

The only good part of any tragedy is that it actually gives birth to hope. It is not a new lesson to be learnt, but rather a lesson that needs to repeated over and over again. Heroes will appear, people would unite and unlike the mythical phoenix, Bali will rise again and with it, the hope of humanity.

It seems like a terrible price to pay to remind us that life is good and inside all of us, there is so much potential to bring happiness to others. The world does not need fixing, does not need a global enforcer or authority. All the world needs is for all of us to realise that we do not need to wait for a tragedy to become heroes.

I have been suffering since my own September 11, and to be honest, I have battled with depression and giving up hope. But even in my darkest days, I never gave up hope because I love myself and I know it's when you hit the abyss of depression, the only way you can go is up.

My prayers and thoughts are with all of humanity. May you never lose sight of hope and may you be blessed. A special prayer to those who I love but cannot reach out to.

For Bali, may you rise from the ashes more beautiful than before.

God bless.

Adapting to Friends : The Truth Truth

2005-10-02T13:29:00.000+08:00

To all my friends,

I saw one of you the other day, and he told me that the truth is not important. Everyone would have their different versions of truth anyway...So even if you don't know what is the truth from other people, you know what is the truth to you. At the end of the day (I am smiling when I type this, seems like I use this phase a lot)), we can lie to ourselves or make ourselves to believe that this the truth and be happy. I don't know why, but that feels wrong for me....

I had a tarot card reading last week by another friend. It was divided in past love, present love, future love and the action card (What should I do about love now). The tarot cards is not supposed to predict the future, but rather is a reflection of yourself, the inner truth that you might not realise yourself.

And the results are out, according to the cards:

Past Love - I tried to hang on too much until I choked my partner
Current Love - There is none. It was the wheel of fortune, so I guess it means I am not ready
Future Love - Also none, apparently I will be stuck in a loveless relationship.
Action card - It was a picture of man on a chariot, being pulled by 2 horses in different directions.

One horse was black, another was white. I am a person that needs to understand the truth, and everything is either black or white.

If the cards are a reflection of the soul, then my inner truth and what I feel is pretty much in sync. Then again, maybe the tarot card reader was an excellent reader, which I think she is.

Yes, I need to know. I need to understand why certain things happen. In that sense I have always been aware of what is going on with me. Another one of you told me that you couldn't tell me the truth at first because you knew that it was going to devastate me, but then you realised that not knowing the truth was even more painful for me. So you told me the truth, and although it did hurt, I will forever be in your debt for telling me it.

Back to my first friend (Confusing aren't I? Even though I am in sync with my inner self, apparently it all goes out the window the moment I try to put it into words). He is holding on to the truth now. But there is a part of him that knows the life he has now is not what he wants. That is the "truth truth". However since he cannot accept the "truth truth", he is just living his life with the truth according to others. And he is happy.

I don't think I could live with only the truth. I would rather savour all the pain in the world of knowing the "truth truth" than just the truth. I think that is the only single principle that I have managed to hang on to...

In that sense, for all of you that have been there for me, helping me, I thank you. For all your opinions of what you think the truth is, I thank you. For all the time you spent listening to me, I thank you. It may not be the truth truth, but it did help ease the pain.

The truth truth for me now is that I will have to be patient.

So to all my friends, thank you.

P/S - Blogging is terribly exhausting, and I am working... More on truth truth in the near future.

Adapting to Words : My first poem

2005-10-02T11:55:00.000+08:00

I have never considered myself a wordsmith. Though I read plenty of books, I am more of a "geek". My idea of a beautiful sentence is something along the lines of :

Public Sub doSomethingFunky ()
If
.....
Else
.....
End If

End Sub

Notice the structure, the identation, the limited vobabulary and the lack of ambiguity... Things that poems are not. Each word would have it's own different meaning to each of the readers, unless it's somewhere along the lines of "I hate what you did to me, just f*** off and let me be"... But I digress. (Even that can be intepreted in so many ways... Was it out of anger, heat of the moment, etc"

I wrote my first real poem for Valentine's Day 05. It was suprising that the words came easily (although it didn't rhyme) and even if it did not elegantly convey my thoughts, it did capture the essense of my heart that day... the day that I fell in love with My Wildfire Princess...

There is this girl I know,
With long beautiful hair that flows,
She always held her head high,
This beautiful wildfire princess of mine.

She was not always this way,
once, a long time ago she was like any other flame,
fueled by love and care, burning bright both night and day.
But the older she grew, the more she learned,
the evil way of men and the silly games they play.

And yet, for all her hurt and pain,
she never gave in, she never lost hope,
burning brighter without thought or personal gain.
The more she gave, the more they demanded,
and the more they demanded, the brighter she burned.

And soon, love and care was replaced with hurt and fear,
Having betrayed by people that she held dear.
She never understood why the people whose life she touched,
was never there for her even though she never demanded much.

And so now she changed her ways,
her fire was now fueled by fear and rage,
locking her heart in a cold dark cage.
What was once a gentle flame,
a raging wildfire she became.

What a sight she was to behold,
Living life with such abandonment
spreading herself without an apparent pattern.
This was her way of protecting herself,
keeping people away from knowing her inner self.

I too was memerized by her, just like the rest,
I feared her for I knew that I was not the best,
scared to be burnt, terified of being hurt,
but most of all, I fear of disapointing her.

And yet, to my greatest suprise,
she gave a chance to love her, both day and night
much to my uncontrollable delight.
And love her I shall, with all my heart
because she is my wildfire princess.
Today, tomorrow, this lifetime and next,
I pray that we will be together and she never pushes me away.
Thank you and I love you is all there is left to say.

Maybe one day I will write another poem on how I feel now... It is a very draining exprience, to open your heart to your mind and write it all down.

Adapting to Words : Quotable Quotations

2005-10-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

Some interesting quotes / poems from other people:

Often it is only when people suddenly feel they are losing their partner that they realize how much they love them. Then they cling on even tighter. But the more they grasp, the more the other person escapes them, and the more fragile the relationships becomes.

So often we want happiness, but the very way we pursue it is so clumsy and unskillful that it brings only more sorrow. Usually we assume we must grasp in order to have that something that will ensure our happiness, We ask ourselves: "how can we possibly enjoy anything if we cannot own it?" How often attachment is mistaken for love!

Even when the relationship is a good one, love can be spoiled by attachment with its insecurity, possessiveness, and pride; and then when love is gone, all you have left to show for it are the"souvenirs" of love, the scars of attachment.

--Buddhist Daily Inspiration quoted by Sogyal Rinpoche--

And another from a great comic. Strangers In Paradise

All My Life
-------------
All of my life I was waiting for you.
How is it we never met?
Here in the latter days time on my own
I find too much to regret.
All of the time I spend thinking of you;
Nothing to say but I call.
Over and over it plays on my mind
How come you come and you go?

How is it happening only to me?
Now after all of the time we spent
I was careless and made a slip.
Suddenly your love is too much to lose.
Now I've fallen in love with you
Were you waiting for my heart to break?
Though I've fallen in love with you
I have fallen in love too late.

Adapting to Love : Sept 11 2005

2005-10-01T12:14:00.000+08:00

September 11, 2001 - The United States and humanity exprienced a great loss.

September 11, 2005 - I exprienced a great loss.

That was the day my girlfriend told me that she didn't love me anymore. It was executed with such simplicity and precision to cause maximum damage that even Bin Laden would have been proud off.

First, it was lulling me into a false sense of security. She was supposed to be working until Monday in Kuantan. She decided to return earlier to suprise me and she honestly sounded happy. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had made plans to see my friends, so I told her to join me. She said she was tired, so she would wait... (Obviously refining her plan of attack).

Second, was the psychological warfare. I felt touched that she would return a day earlier from work to be with me. I went searching for a florist to get her flowers, but none could be found. Oh well, nothing I could do about that.

Third was the camouflage. When I saw her, she kissed me and was happy that I was there... Obviously, I would never meant to see what was coming.

Finally, was the surgical strike. "I need to tell you something. I don't love you anymore". Mission accomplished.

The aftermath,

Total number of broken heart : One. *
Total number of confused minds : One.
Total time to deliver fatal blow : 6 seconds.
Total time to understand : 19 days and counting

*Admittedly it seems that her heart SEEMS to be broken too, but there is no verificable truth to suport the claims. (Something like the existence of the WMD in Iraq).

I bear no anger towards what she did, only regret and sorrow that unlike the Americans, I do not know why it happened. I have the official report that she doesn't love me anymore (Death to the American oppresors)... but I will never understand the real reason... (Just like the Americans... How can they kill themselves to kill us?)

Life goes on, but like the Twin Towers attack, some dates you will never forget.

-Adapting to Love-

Adapting to Life

*Adapting to Live*: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 3)

*Adapting to Live*: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 2)

*Adapting to Live*: Snapshots of Sydney (Part 1)

*Adapting to Live*: I want a digital camera!

*Adapting to Life*: The Good Die Young

*Adapting to Life*: Working on a Sunday

*Adapting to Laughter*: Calvin & Hobbes

*Adapting to Life*: Consistency

*Adapting to Love*: Listening to....

*Adapting to Life*: Company Annual Dinner

*Adapting to Love*: Bittersweet memories

*Adapting to Love*: Listening to...

*Adapting to Love*: Valentine Day: Part Deux

*Adapting to Live*: Climbing Bukit Tabur

*Adapting to Love*: Valentine's Day

*Adapting to Life*: Chinese New Year Greetings

*Adapting to Love*: Parting is such sweet sorrow

*Adapting to Humour* : When should we tailgate?

*Adapting to Work*: The right company

*Adapting to Life* : New look

*Adapting to Love* : Dancing in an empty room

*Adapting to Love*: Family & Love

*Adapting to Love*: Second chances & Friends

*Adapting to Work* : Sockless in KLCC

*Adapting to Love* : Sick to the Bone

*Adapting to Love*: Self Love

*Adapting to Life* : Learning to Pamper Myself

*Adapting to Love* : Procastinating

*Adapting to Humour* - Steven's Corner

*Adapting to Love* - Bali bombing

*Adapting to Friends* : The Truth Truth

*Adapting to Words* : My first poem

*Adapting to Words* : Quotable Quotations

*Adapting to Love* : Sept 11 2005